No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service
by Tristis Lullum
Summary: And with that, he set about his journey to buy a magical thirtyfour C bra.
1. No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FMA.

**Other:** This was just a random, explosive idea that came to my mind after four days on the road, and numerous glances at "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service," signs. Due to the humorous nature of this story, don't expect any extreme, in-character stuff. xD;

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**No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service**

It all started on a quiet, Central day, where the wind was blowing lazily through the tall buildings, and the birds were singing, chirping, and fluttering to the dance of the sun and the shadows. People talked busily to themselves, discussing plans for the day, animatedly joking to one another, and walking from store to store, in hopes of finding whatever they were looking for.

But, alas, it was these days Envy hated.

There were plenty of reasons he hated days like this; it was easy to hate bright sunny, chipper, rainbow days. First of all; there were people everywhere. How was he supposed to get around, outside of the shadows – which were quickly disappearing in the noon-time sun – without being noticed? His appearance wasn't quite idealistic for a normal day like this – a boy, half naked, with long, green hair? Of course that wouldn't attract any attention.

Second; he'd forgotten somewhere along the lines that he could just change into somebody else. This was a cause of great strife, because now he was stuck behind a particularly smelly dumpster, in a particularly well-lit alley, wondering what the hell to do. And should he decide to turn into somebody else – he couldn't turn into a man. Not that he had a problem turning into women, he'd done it before, but just today. There was something about today that just boasted that the world hated him. And only him.

It was Lust's idea that he get out of the mansion for a while; though the specific details to her suggestion were entirely crude. He was supposed to shop? Why him? She needed _things_ that he hadn't heard of – ever – let alone seen. How was he supposed to know what size bra she wore? Hell, what _were_ the sizes of bras? Envy pondered this with much disgust as he watched the shadows creep to the far recesses of the alley, searching for a damp, cold place where the sun wasn't.

"God damn shadows," He mumbled, glaring in disgust at them. "You can get yourself out of anything." He pondered for a moment. "I can't."

And then the jealousy set in. With such force that he couldn't bother stand in the alley any longer, by the nasty dumpster, so he ran out into the open street, where people in a three-person radius around him stopped to clear way. Halfway down the block, he slowed to a walk, trying to ignore the some-curious, some-scared, some-disapproving stares of the women on the street by reminding himself why he hated days like this.

_The sun, for one, it's everywhere. It doesn't help that it's noon, either. And the birds, those mother fucking birds. Why can't they leave me alone?_

It was, at that moment, that a tired mother robin swooped down into Envy's hair, mistaking him for a tree. He raised a partially gloved hand and waved above his head, and when the bird didn't move, he brought the other one up and proceeded to pry the tired mother bird from his hair, and throw her in front of a group of young women.

"Look at him, he just threw that bird!" One of them exclaimed in horror.

"Yeah… Poor bird, it only thought he was a _tree_." Another one chided, nodding.

The third one walked over and picked the bird up, cuddling the mother robin that was much too tired to realize a person – maybe a hungry one – was holding it.

Envy ignored them to the best of his abilities and stopped at a sign that said "Convenience Store, That Way" with an arrow pointing down a road.

_Convenient._ He thought humorlessly. So he turned down the road that the arrow indicated, stopping in front of a run-down looking store. There were signs on the window, sporting which beers it sold, if it was open, business hours, and one particularly interesting sign that said, "No shirt, no shoes, no service."

"Fuck that," He said defiantly as he opened the door with such force he was afraid it might have broken off. Indignantly he stormed to the far end of the store. It was big – for a convenient store – and had _everything_. It had food, although he'd never touch anything bought from a place that smelled so… human – it had over the counter drugs, beer, beverages of all sorts, and even a small section dedicated to clothing. Cheap clothing, of course, with over-priced tags, but clothes, none the less.

What would Lust care if he bought a bra that was cheap?

Nothing.

That's what.

_Does she even wear bras?_ He thought to himself as he trudged through the back of the store, examining the even smaller section dedicated to undergarments. There were a few sizes of lady's panties, a smaller spectrum of men's boxers and whitie tighties, and an even more miniscule section of bras.

"Uh…" He stared in horror at some of the sizes, which were enormous, so big in fact, that he wondered how anybody could have a bust big enough to fit into the cups, and not fall forward whenever they walked. _Must be a bunch of fat people,_ He eventually reasoned as he inched closer to the rack, sticking a hand out to keep himself away should one decide to bite.

"First time?" A man asked from a little ways down the aisle, looking at a box of something Envy didn't care to know about. He gulped, became disgusted for being such a wuss, and snatched the largest cupped one from the rack, flipping the cardboard at the top, trying to figure out what size Lust might be.

"Bust size?" His stomach did a flop as he stared at the inches. "Right."

The man chuckled as he put the box back and looked at another. Envy decided that Lust would have, at least, had to have been a double d, whatever that was, and she was curvy – so what size would her ribs be? Something small… Maybe a thirty-four? Deciding that was right, he searched for a 34-double-d, and only found one.

"Great," He mumbled, staring at the bra in disgust. Holding it an arms length from his body, he walked down the aisle, past the older man.

"I think that might be a few sizes too big…" He suggested in a helpful way – or a way that would have been helpful if Envy intended the bra for himself. Which, he was pretty sure, it wasn't.

"It's not for me!" He growled, turning on heel and glaring at the man. He just laughed and picked up another box. Becoming easily irritated, and already pissed off for having to shop for something as stupid as a bra that Lust would never, ever, use, he stormed up to the counter, where a fat, balding man with a white undershirt with ugly brown sweat stains, was standing.

"Here," He growled as he threw the article of clothing onto the counter. The man scratched his bulging stomach, eyed Envy for a moment, and turned to the room behind the counter. "Uhuhm, Frank, could you come here?"

"What is it _now_, Bob?" A man came from a closed door, looking just as nasty as the balding man. Except Frank had a tall hat on, and a coat that looked three sizes too big, and was this terribly funky purple color. He also had a cane, with an expensive looking jewel at the top.

"Take a look at this…" The man paused, and tried to look for identifying features to tell Envy's gender, which pissed him off more.

"Man! I'm a man!" He yelled after a moment, slamming his fist into the counter, leaving small cracks in the glass. Bob only burped.

"Man, right." He grabbed a cigarette from a pocket and lit it, then lit Frank's cigar, which happened to come out of nowhere. Frank was starting to remind Envy of Greed, only because of the clothes he wore – which was making Envy even angrier. "Anyway, look at… it's shirt. Is that a shirt. And you're not wearing shoes."

"I am wearing…" He started yelling, but looked down at his feet, his toes wiggling in response. "And this is a shirt!" He rebounded.

"You see, young man, that is only _half_ of a shirt, and your feet have toe-less socks, so, no, you aren't wearing a _shirt_ and _shoes_. We can't help you."

"I…" He fumed, becoming angrier. "Just ring it up."

"Did you," Bob snorted, "Read the sign? You dumb bitch, it says, 'No Shirt, no shoe…'."

"Yes! I can read the fucking sign!"

People were starting to gather outside the store, cheering for sides, which persisted of; The Pimp and the Beer Bellied Shop Owner – and the Palm Tree Headed boy. All of which pissed Envy off even more.

"Just… Buy… The thing," He motioned to the bra.

"And, young… Man, this bra is much to big for you." Frank said with a sneer, which made Envy want to punch him out even more.

"I… Am not buying it for me."

"Significant other?"

"_What_?" What the hell was a significant other, anyway?

"You might want to try our lingerie, if that's the case."

"It… Is… Not for me. Or anybody. Or. No, it is, but…" Envy stopped and groaned, grabbing the bra by the hanger, throwing the money Lust had given him on the ruined counter, and proceeded to run outside into the crowd of enthusiasts.

"Well, the sign _did_ say it," Bob defended.

"Yes, I know." Frank comforted as he took the money and counted it.

By the time Envy got back, his anger had almost drained completely – the bra and convenient store incident made him forget the smaller, more trivial aspects of the day that pissed him off. Like the happy sun, the birds, the butterflies, and the people. And he'd gotten back in half the time it had taken him to get to the store.

"Here." He shoved the bra into Lust's hands, his head bowed.

"Envy…" Lust said quietly, examining the bra. "Where did you buy this?"

"I don't know, some stupid store," He raised an eyebrow and looked up at her, a hand on his hip. "Why?"

"…Because," She sighed, handing it back to him, "It's not the right size. You have to return it."

Envy stared at her in horror for a moment, shaking his head. "No, don't make me go back!"

At that moment, Dante walked into the room, addressing the situation. "Did he get my bra?"

Envy stared, in even more horror.

"No," Lust sighed, "He got the wrong size."

Before Dante could ask him to get the right size, Envy bolted out of the room, nearly trampling Wrath, who was on his way in.

"Wrath… Could you do me a favor?"

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**Omg:** Yay, it wasn't that funny, but whatever. Review.


	2. Inconveniences

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FMA. Yay.

**Stuff:** Due to popular demand, I suppose I have to write one with Wrath, huh? Haha, almost everybody asked for a continuation, and I usually don't do this… But since so many people alerted it, and want it, I suppose as an enthusiastic and growing author, I must. Haha, that's a load of shit. Anyway, thank you to EVERYBODY who reviewed, and if for some reason I didn't personally reply to the review… Uh, sorry. I think I got everybody, though. So yeah. –Passes out cookies-

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**No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service**

**Part Two: Inconveniences**

"Hey!" Wrath yelled as Envy clipped his shoulder on his way out. Envy never ran like that – he was far too lazy, so there must be something up. He raised a slender eyebrow at Lust, who was shaking her head and holding something particularly fun looking, although what it was, his young mind had no clue.

"Wrath," Lust sighed, looking exasperated, "Could you do me a favor?"

"What's that?" He asked, completely ignoring Lust's question. A child-like hand extended to the article of underclothing Lust was holding in one hand. The one that had two large cups, which would serve as an interesting looking hat. Or maybe something to tame his hair? His hair was very long, actually, so long he was contemplating stealing one of Dante's hair bands to tie it up. But the last time he did that was with a rubber band, and Sloth had to cut it out, along with a good portion of his hair. Though hair bands were fabled to not tangle in your hair – or at least not like a rubber band.

"This?" Lust asked, blinking. Clearly she'd forgotten how young Wrath was – how he wouldn't know what a bra was, or even what it was _used_ for. _I wonder what Sloth would do if I told him,_ She thought with a touch of mischief, but eventually decided against it, because Dante was standing next to her. "This is a bra, it's important…"

"Why?" Wrath's child-like behaviors had not left him when he became a homunculus, and Lust was growing impatient.

"Because… It's…" She strived to find something a child would be interested in, without having to give away the secret behind the bra. "It's… Magical."

"Magic!" Wrath nearly screamed, dashing over to her before snatching the bra, giving it a quizzical look as it did nothing. Then, to unlock the magical powers, he shook it a few times.

Nothing.

"Um… That one isn't magical, though, Wrath," Lust was racking her brain for something – perhaps a way to get him, a child, to do the deed of buying the right size? "But there are magical ones out there."

"I want one!"

Dante had stared at the kid for a moment, almost in horror – which was completely uncharacteristic of Dante, but Wrath was special enough to unlock the uncharacteristic horror of Dante.

"Um… Actually, if you get the right size, you can obtain the magical powers," Lust was making everything up at the spur of the moment, and knew that if Wrath was older, he would have realized they were lies. But alas, he wasn't, so it was working. "You see, if you get a thirty-four… Uh," She looked at Dante for a second, "C...? C, then you can unlock the magical powers."

"I want them!" Wrath's vocabulary was amazing, so amazing, it nearly blew Lust away.

"Well… If you go buy one, and bring it back to me, I'll give you the magical powers of the bra."

"Yeah, okay!" Wrath ran out of the mansion, but five minutes later, he came back.

"Uhm… Lust… Where do you buy… Bras?"

"There's a convenient store in town… you can buy them there."

"Okay! What was the size?"

"Thirty-four C,"

"Okay!"

Lust handed him some money from her back pocket – which she didn't have, but where else would she have gotten the money? And with that, he set about his journey to buy a magical thirty-four C bra.

It didn't take him as long as it took Envy to find the sign that said, "Convenient Store, That Way," with the arrow pointing down the road – mainly because he wasn't sulking. In fact, he was excited about the magical bra, unlike Envy, who had sulked in an alley telling himself pity stories for who knew how long. Anyway, it did, however, take Wrath a while to read the sign – because hey, he's a little kid, and convenient is a very long word. Or at least to little kids it is.

But eventually, due to the help of phonics and Sloth – who had taught them to him – he read the sign, and followed it to the run-down store, which looked particularly grimy and like nothing in the story books, not magical at all, actually. It looked smelly.

But that didn't detour Wrath – because he had one objective – to gain the magical bra. Smiling a toothy grin, he walked into the store, ignoring the beer signs, the "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service," sign, and the open/closed/store hour sign. It didn't really matter, though, because this was a twenty-four hour convenient store.

Though it took him a second to assess the store – because it was small, and there was a lot of stuff in it. There was buns, which looked tasty – there was beer, beverages, beef jerky, and all sorts of other things that started with b's – except bras. He couldn't find them. But after a moment, he found the bras, which were hidden by the less pretty clothes and undergarments, which didn't start with b's, but instead c's and u's.

"Aha," He said, looking at the bras – there were different colored ones, actually. There were black ones, tan ones, white ones, green-and-blue striped ones, and there was even one with lace. But that was beside the point – there were _people_ looking at the bras, a woman, and a girl, who looked a little older than himself.

Walking slowly to the rack, he glanced at the bras, picking one up. Wrong size, though, because it was forty-something DD, much too big. So he put it back, and instead looked at a particularly floppy looking bra, which was thirty-six C. "Damn it," He growled, because he was so close, but yet, so far.

And then he found it! It was so perfect looking, actually – a black thirty-four C bra, with lacy straps, and big, plushy looking cups. Of course, nobody would have bought this bra, because it wasn't a very good bra to wear, with lacy plushy cups. Mainly because they would show through any type of shirt – but Wrath didn't know the true function of bras, and didn't really care, either. To him, it looked like something magical, and that was all he cared about.

Grinning broadly, he walked up to the cashier, which was a grubby looking man – highly resembling Gluttony, except with thinning hair and sweat stains. From across the counter – which Wrath noticed had cracks that looked suspiciously like fist-dents, he could smell those sweat stains, which made his nose scrunch up.

"I want to buy this," He said, putting the bra on the counter. The man raised a thinning eyebrow at him, and took a puff from a cigarette.

"You can't buy this, sweetie," He said charmingly – but the charm in his voice was nothing compared to the nastiness of his paling white shirt, which was now more of a manila. "You're not wearing a shirt."

Wrath looked dumbfounded, and then looked down. He was wearing a shirt! "Um… I am wearing a shirt."

"You're wearing half of a shirt," The man corrected, blowing smoke into Wrath's face. "Like that little friend of yours who came in here earlier, looking for a bra," He glanced down at the bra on the counter, "Just like you."

"Half a shirt?" Wrath grabbed the hem and tried, and failed, to pull it down over his abdomen. "Well… I have the money for it," He remembered, grabbing the wad of money from his back pocket – which, like Lust, he didn't have, but for sake of this chapter, he does.

"That's not good enough, didn't you see the sign?" The man glared at Wrath, "No shirt, no shoes, no service. Besides, you don't have the boobs to fill that bra in."

Wrath didn't know what to do – or feel. He felt stupid for not reading the sign, because obviously there was a rule he'd missed, and Sloth was teaching him that he had to follow rules – unless Dante said not to. But Dante hadn't said anything about not following the rules of a magical bra conquest. And hen he felt sad, because the man insulted him – how, he wasn't sure, but he had.

And then he felt surprised, because a man looking suspiciously like Greed walked out from the back room, sporting a large jacket of a nasty, fluorescent purple that made Wrath's eyes water, and a large, black cane, with a pretty rock at the end. "What is it _now_, Bob?" He asked, even though he hadn't been summoned.

"Some kid is here trying to buy a bra, and she has no shirt – or half of one – and no shoes."

"She? Bob, are you blind? That is a _he_," Frank, obviously the brains of the two, sighed.

From the back room, a feminine voice complained, "Frankie baby, come back."

Though Frank ignored it and instead looked at the bra. "My, my, now we do have a problem, don't we. I'm sorry kid, but you don't have a shirt, and you don't have shoes, and we don't sell to homeless thugs."

Wrath's eyes watered, and he sniffed, and stared at the bra. "But… But it's magical, and I want it!" The usually tough homunculus was feeling particularly glum now, and was dangerously close to crying.

"Whoa, calm down kid, I'm sorry – but unless you have a parent to buy it for you – one with a shirt and shoes – I can't help you."

"But Mommy's at work," He sniffed, trying to fight back the tears. At that moment, the woman and her daughter came up to the counter, and the woman – looking like a tired mother, who didn't have time for pimps and sweat-stained idiots, sighed. "I'll buy it, then."

Wrath looked back with surprised, but grinned broadly at the woman, any signs of the waterworks now erased completely from his face.

"Okay," The fat man sniffed as he rang up her stuff, and the bra. Eventually he bagged them – the bra separately – and handed them to the respective orders.

"Thank you!" Wrath smiled, handing his money to the woman, who just smiled at him and told him to keep it before walking out of the store. Enthusiasm renewed, he held his bag containing the bra tightly and loped down the street at breakneck speed, dodging shoppers idly, And in mere minutes, he was in the mansion again. Setting the bag on the table, he set out to find Lust, who could obtain the powers from the bra.

But just then…

A squirrel ran by.

And Wrath, who is a creature of habit, had to chase the squirrel from inside the house, outside. Feeling confident, he then found Lust, and returned to the kitchen, where the bra was set on the counter.

"Wrath… Where's the bra?" Lust asked, eyeing the counter where it was supposed to be.

"It must have fallen," He offered, walking around the counter.

And sitting there, on the floor, was a fat, squat man, with one lacy black strap hanging out of his mouth.

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**Other Stuff:** That is it folks, the continuation. This one was a lot more random, though, and probably not as funny because I suck at writing Wrath stuff. Anyway! Review, tell me what I could work on with him (because he turns out more snot-nosed than he probably should be). It was also longer… I think. Haha.


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